HOW MY MISCARRIAGES MADE ME VIEW THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY
I remember hearing a saying once, that the kindest most compassionate people are those who have experienced great pain. I never truly understood this, I didn't comprehend how pain could make you see the world through different eyes until I felt the pain of miscarriage. I wouldn't say it happened right away with my first loss but it began to creep in, small changes began starting with a desire to be more thoughtful of others. Throughout my miscarriage and the weeks following, I had really wished for people to be more thoughtful before they spoke, looked at me a certain way in the street because I hadn't brushed my hair in a few days due to just feeling too sad and how others approached me. This was the start of me thinking, '' we never truly know what someone may be going through, so just be kind''.
These practises were creeping into my life but by the time I had my second miscarriage within two years of my first, I was hit the biggest blow I had ever felt. I had been lead to believe that after one miscarriage, it was highly unlikely I would experience another so I really had my hopes in the health and survival of my second pregnancy. In the time I had to grieve and mourn, I felt myself looking at people differently, I began to spot other people who were sad even if it wasn't as obvious. I just felt as if I knew, I could relate to the look in their eyes and it made me better understand how important it is as humans to be aware of others feelings. This was only amplified with my third miscarriage.
I felt that in the breakdown following my third miscarriage, I had two choices: give up or get better. I searched for reasons and in doing that I found two things worth living for, my family and my future.
The pain and loss inside of me was screaming to give up, I couldn't understand how to move forward when the very things I wanted so badly in life was taken from me but another voice kept telling me how much more open my eyes are to the world and how much more I can see with compassion and understanding. This isn't to say that I wasn't a nice person before my losses, but it is to say that I wasn't as aware of the pain that can be felt within a persons life. I had never really experienced anything as painful as a miscarriage in my life, there was nothing to compare the pain too or anything that helped to ease it. I only had the choices at the time and I went with choosing to get better, in doing so, my eyes were wide open. All of the pain and devastation, the sadness, depression, confusion and anger taught me some of the most important lessons in life, I suddenly knew how it felt to not want to live anymore and that made me want to help others see how deserving they are of their life. I stopped thinking that life is fun and roses for everyone and began to understand how painful and difficult life can be at times, I began to understand loss, real and raw love of a mother who had not yet met her child. These lessons were ones that I truly believe nothing else in life could have ever taught me.
Once I was able to feel more, to want to heal more, my heart began to stop feeling so heavy. I was able to see that I wasn't the only human hurting on this earth and instead of focusing so much on the sadness of my babies, I wanted to celebrate them, I wanted their short lives to be something I use to fuel me forward as a better person.
This wasn't something that happened overnight and there are still days I feel myself choking on tears of '' why me'', I still question every small detail on bad days, I still wish I could know why I had to lose my babies when I wanted to give them the whole world but I try to remember that although they may not be here with me, they are in my heart, they are the biggest part of who I am today, they made me stronger and better.