A letter to your friend who has never experienced miscarriage

I would like to start off by saying that I don't want to tell you all of this to make you feel guilt, I am sharing it to help you understand something that I pray you never have to feel in your life.

Miscarriage and infertility is unfortunately something many  women have to experience on their road to motherhood, for some reasons it's something that people still don't really know how to talk about, a silence we just cant seem to get past and this can make things difficult in relationships and friendships. So, I am going to let you know how it feels and help you with ways you may be able to help other women in your life who may be experiencing the grief. 

I have been where you stand. Pregnant with my first child and I was oblivious to the suffering of others around me, watching other friends and female relatives battle with infertility, I never once assumed it would happen to me. For nearly 14 weeks I took my pregnancy for granted, I secretly was just happy that I wasn't in their shoes. Sounds bad right? But until you have experienced baby-loss, you don't know how  naive you can be to it. 

It still feels like yesterday for me, the pains and the blood in my underwear, the rushing to the hospital and those words '' there is no heartbeat''.

For those 14 weeks I didn't stop to think or feel extraordinarily lucky despite seeing the struggles of others around me to achieve motherhood. I complained about my growing sore boobs and sickness, yet once it all ended I would have died for it back.

This lead me to feel as though, I was the reason why, because I blindly took my  pregnancy blessing for granted. I never thought through those weeks that four years later I would be struggling with fertility too.

See, it's strange but until we talk more about miscarriage, we will never be open-minded to the possibility or truly thankful for our maternal abilities.

Someone, somewhere, right now is scrolling through their social media slipping deeper into their grief because they feel as though God is answering everybody else's prayers but not theirs. They are wishing for the discomforts of pregnancy that we have once complained about; the sore breasts, the aching back, the sickness. They are begging for a baby to share sleepless nights with, so that they can stare at them all night in complete amazement.  The very things we can forget to be thankful in pregnancy and motherhood, are things others, me included are praying for everyday.

I write this so you'll be aware. Before you post that complaint on facebook about your pregnancy or your newborn baby, think about the woman who just returned from an ultrasound appointment and is now deciding how he wants to deliver her miscarried baby. Before you fill your news feed with moans and groans about motherhood, consider the women who struggle to ever experience it.

This isn't to say you shouldn't share about your children, they are blessings and they deserve to be celebrated. What I am trying to say is that we can all be more thoughtful before we post the negatives of motherhood.  

So, will you join me in honouring the silent suffering around you? Honour them by being sensitive to their broken hearts, especially online. Honour them by remembering their babies with them. And honour them for being thankful for your children everyday. Don't forget, especially on the hard days of parenting, that someone else would give everything to be in your shoes. 

Love always,

Your grieving friend. 

Keysha JadeComment