HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT?
‘’ Among women who know they are pregnant, 1 in 6 pregnancies ends in miscarriage’’
How could something so painful could happen to people who done nothing to deserve it?
We know and understand this feeling all too well and as isolating as it can feel, we are still never alone with these thoughts and feelings with a ¼ of women experiencing miscarriage in their lifetime and 1 in 200 births ending in stillbirth. Nothing you done caused it, nothing you ate or drank contributed to your loss and one of the most important things we want you to remember is that, it is not your fault.
I CAN’T STOP CRYING, I FEEL LOST AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL.
You are only human, you will feel great sadness on some days, they may even feel as though you will never stop feeling the sadness. Grief comes in several stages and even when we pass a stage, it doesn’t mean that we will automatically stop feeling the loss and sadness for our sweet angel baby. On days that we feel as though we just want to cry, don’t feel forced into bottling up your emotions and facing the world. You’re allowed to feel and it is okay to take a day out, wrap yourself in bed, put on a movie, have some snacks and allow yourself to feel. Loss is a traumatic and extremely devastating experience, be gentle with yourself. There is no rush. You may even find that going for a long walk, either on your own or with a loved one can also help.
IT STILL DOESN’T FEEL REAL… AM I IN DENIAL, DO I JUST NOT WANT TO ADMIT I AM NO LONGER PREGNANT?
Denial is a process within our natural grief cycle that we will all experience, especially following a miscarriage. This is because once again, the grief we feel is our loves unwillingness to let go. We don’t want to admit that we are no longer pregnant because we loved our baby ever so much. We may feel as though, not admitting it will mean that it hasn’t happened to us and it is all just a bad dream. You’re not wrong for feeling this way and you are not the only woman who has.
Many of us who have experienced miscarriage, held onto hope, if even a small piece because it made the hurt and sadness of acceptance not seem as bad. If we could convince ourselves that it wasn’t really happening, then in our minds it wasn’t. Unfortunately, there can follow quite a shock when we continue to be in denial, sometimes, as much as it hurts, it is important we are able to understand that it is happening and it is not our fault, we done everything that we could do and we are still deserving wonderful women.
BUT WHY DOES NOBODY SPEAK ABOUT THEIR MISCARRIAGE?
Many women can feel as though, there is no one to talk too who will truly understand how they are feeling after a miscarriage. In some cases, you may still be experiencing shock and feel isolated by these feelings, resulting in you feeling alone and scared. It is important that we know, it is okay to talk about our miscarriage when we are ready and that there are many women all over the world who will relate to our feelings.
I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HOW I FEEL BUT I AM NOT SURE WHO I CAN TALK TO?
Often, parents describe an expectation, bonding or attachment to their baby very early in pregnancy, or even prior to conception. When their baby dies, many parents feel the loss of the hopes, plans and dreams they had for their future. To feel sad, empty and bewildered at this time is normal and understandable. You may feel that others do not acknowledge your loss and that you are alone in your grief.
There are several support organisations that can offer you telephone, online and email support services.Have you visited our Facebook page? @miscarriageandstillbornsupport, where we have a network of women who have all experienced miscarriage and stillbirth. We share blog posts, women’s stories and have regular open discussions about our experiences, grief and how we are currently feeling.
IF I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY LOSS, WHAT CAN I DO?
Sometimes being verbal about our feelings following a miscarriage can feel extremely difficult, you may feel as though nobody understands how you feel and that you cannot find the words to even explain your feelings. Although talking about your feelings can help, you may not feel ready straight away and that is perfectly normal.
If you currently feel this way, an effective way of getting out your emotions is to write them down in a journal. This can be personal and comfortable for you, maybe writing down in diary entry or even poetry form, whichever style of writing is able to help you express your feelings and thoughts. If you feel as though it may help, you might want to share this with your partner or family/friends so that they can better understand how you are currently feeling. Sometimes those around us want to try and understand because they may not have experienced miscarriage themselves or truly be able to comprehend how you feel. Writing it down and sharing it may help, if not, you can keep this as a private feelings journal where you can write freely how you feel.
WHY DID IT HAPPEN TO ME? IS IT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I HAVE DONE BEFORE I WAS PREGNANT? AM I A BAD PERSON OR NOT DESERVING?
I cannot urge enough, how much your loss is not your fault and never will be. Nothing you done, said, ate or drank before or during the pregnancy caused it. Sometimes there are no medical explanations for miscarriage and most commonly they can be caused by chromosome defects which neither you or your partner caused or could control. These defects can affect the growth and development of your baby then causing a miscarriage, or other factors such as hormone levels but for most women miscarriage happens only once and does not affect your chances of having a healthy pregnancy in the future.